26th July 2020 – it’s my 35th birthday! Whohooo! I have to admit, this whole week has been a strange week… Actually the last few weeks have been strange, or if I’m being really honest, they’ve been a struggle. My first few months after the diagnosis, I was flying, just ticking off item after item on the to do list like there was no tomorrow – getting stuff done. The last few weeks I’ve really struggled to get out of 2nd gear – and it’s not through a lack of trying but I think I’ve got a little lost in my own thoughts. I keep saying I’m reinventing myself – but I think that could be part of the problem, I’m not really sure what that is or what that really means… and more importantly I think I’m trying to do it on my own rather than fully trust God to carry me through as I was when this whole thing started. I just re-read that, I must sound like I’ve lost the plot!
Let me try and break that down – as I write this, I’m in a much better place than I have been for the last few weeks. And reflecting on what it is that made me lose some drive has been both frustrating but healthy at the same time. As amazing and helpful as my family & friends are, I’ve been really frustrated with not being able to do certain things myself. Specifically not driving has been a challenge and having to wait and rely on people to get me places. With my music (which has been going really well) I’ve realised I’ve begun to put the pressure back on myself again rather than just enjoy writing and playing. I love working out but had to briefly stop for the last week or so as I got an infection in my leg from an insect bite which really put a mental dampener on me… I’ve also been thinking a lot about what is the next stage in my career and what would work well for me & my family. I’ve been thinking so much about where I want to be and what I want to have achieved that I’m forgetting to savour the here and the now.
I’m just going to throw out something which I heard a few days ago by a gentleman named Rick Pino (an incredible worship leader and general great human being!) during an online course I’m currently doing:
“We’re all focused on the destination or how we get to the promise – but think of it differently… how about looking at the journey as the destination – MIND BLOWN! We need to experience the tops of the mountains and the depths of the valleys to appreciate it all, to stand in the place of the promise.”
Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying don’t have aspirations and targets, but it’s very easy to get so caught up with them that you become frustrated and lose focus of what’s in front of you right now. So the things I’m doing now to realign myself:
- Putting all my trust in God – not just to get me better, but to look after all aspects of my family (finance, health, school, work etc.)
- Plan – organise my days a little better, I don’t need to tick off 100 things everyday but planning will help me take small steps
- Enjoying every single second of my girls (and our new puppy!)
- Write music for the love of writing music
- Keep exercising my body and mind (and use a lot of jungle spray to avoid anymore insect bites!)
- And finally…. always love Arsenal but don’t rely on them to give you any sort of mental stability!!!
The other day Sindhu, my wife, asked me “did you ever think about what you wanted to achieve by the time you’re 35?” I thought about it for a second and in all honesty, no – simply because I just assumed I’d always be here and have time, and my milestones were more like in my 40s, 50s, 60s…
35 & ALIVE – it’s not what I thought would be an achievement for my birthday, but I have to say that it is the best gift I could’ve asked for! I’m here, I have the love and support of an incredible family and beautiful friends. Life is GOOD 🙂
Thank you for all the prayers, for all the support and for all the love xxx