35 and ALIVE!

26th July 2020 – it’s my 35th birthday! Whohooo! I have to admit, this whole week has been a strange week… Actually the last few weeks have been strange, or if I’m being really honest, they’ve been a struggle. My first few months after the diagnosis, I was flying, just ticking off item after item on the to do list like there was no tomorrow – getting stuff done. The last few weeks I’ve really struggled to get out of 2nd gear – and it’s not through a lack of trying but I think I’ve got a little lost in my own thoughts. I keep saying I’m reinventing myself – but I think that could be part of the problem, I’m not really sure what that is or what that really means… and more importantly I think I’m trying to do it on my own rather than fully trust God to carry me through as I was when this whole thing started. I just re-read that, I must sound like I’ve lost the plot!

Let me try and break that down – as I write this, I’m in a much better place than I have been for the last few weeks. And reflecting on what it is that made me lose some drive has been both frustrating but healthy at the same time. As amazing and helpful as my family & friends are, I’ve been really frustrated with not being able to do certain things myself. Specifically not driving has been a challenge and having to wait and rely on people to get me places. With my music (which has been going really well) I’ve realised I’ve begun to put the pressure back on myself again rather than just enjoy writing and playing. I love working out but had to briefly stop for the last week or so as I got an infection in my leg from an insect bite which really put a mental dampener on me… I’ve also been thinking a lot about what is the next stage in my career and what would work well for me & my family. I’ve been thinking so much about where I want to be and what I want to have achieved that I’m forgetting to savour the here and the now.

I’m just going to throw out something which I heard a few days ago by a gentleman named Rick Pino (an incredible worship leader and general great human being!) during an online course I’m currently doing:

“We’re all focused on the destination or how we get to the promise – but think of it differently… how about looking at the journey as the destination – MIND BLOWN! We need to experience the tops of the mountains and the depths of the valleys to appreciate it all, to stand in the place of the promise.”

Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying don’t have aspirations and targets, but it’s very easy to get so caught up with them that you become frustrated and lose focus of what’s in front of you right now. So the things I’m doing now to realign myself:

  1. Putting all my trust in God – not just to get me better, but to look after all aspects of my family (finance, health, school, work etc.)
  2. Plan – organise my days a little better, I don’t need to tick off 100 things everyday but planning will help me take small steps
  3. Enjoying every single second of my girls (and our new puppy!)
  4. Write music for the love of writing music
  5. Keep exercising my body and mind (and use a lot of jungle spray to avoid anymore insect bites!)
  6. And finally…. always love Arsenal but don’t rely on them to give you any sort of mental stability!!!

The other day Sindhu, my wife, asked me “did you ever think about what you wanted to achieve by the time you’re 35?” I thought about it for a second and in all honesty, no – simply because I just assumed I’d always be here and have time, and my milestones were more like in my 40s, 50s, 60s…

35 & ALIVE – it’s not what I thought would be an achievement for my birthday, but I have to say that it is the best gift I could’ve asked for! I’m here, I have the love and support of an incredible family and beautiful friends. Life is GOOD πŸ™‚

Thank you for all the prayers, for all the support and for all the love xxx

8 thoughts on “35 and ALIVE!

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  1. Hey Sam, I am enjoying your blog as it’s great to keep in contact, virtually. One thing I feel when I read this is how much pressure you seem to be putting yourself under. One thing I learned in my personal journey is to be gentle on myself.
    One of my personal traits is to beat myself up, to criticise and berate myself for everything I am doing or what I am not doing. When I have serenity and I am in a good place I can allow my faith in a higher power to take over, to steer the boat, which is freeing. It is easy to say that with faith in a higher power you no longer need to worry as if you are open you will be guided in the direction you need to go. But, we are human and we have people depending on us so how do we get the balance???. I would love to say I have the answer but I don’t. All I have is my experience which is, when I hand my will over to my higher power things happen, when I take my will back and force an outcome or situation it always fails.
    Of course we need to take some action, we can’t sit on the sofa doing nothing and expect miracles but, in you but, in your heart you will know what to do and when to do it. Listen to it and be brave enough to allow it in. I live my life by the serenity prayer (when I am being gentle with myself)….
    Loads of love to you and your family
    Steven

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    1. Hi Steven, my sincere apologies for the delay in coming back to you – I really appreciate everything you’ve said here, for the advice, for the support – and for the prayers. You’re absolutely correct – the balance is key, I’m finding I’m working out the balance more and more each day! Thank you so much again and thank you for your kind words. Much love, Sam

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  2. ! am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

    God bless you Sam.

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  3. Happy 35th Birthday Sam!!! There will be many more birthdays and milestones that you will be celebrating for many many more years to come. God bless you and your beautiful family always :))

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  4. Wishing you a HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY Sam For The 26th July 2020,

    Beautiful photos and you express yourself so well, you are such an inspiration and your journaling your experiences is much appreciated.

    Continue to be free & be yourself & to write & compose Songs & Hymns & pour out what you want to share without inhibitions and express your raw emotions which is really healthy and releasing and serves as a testimony and encouragement to many when one is open and authentic as each person’s finger print is designed by Almighty God in Jesus and is Unique.

    You are doing better than most of us, you are a Champion I must say.

    Continuing to pray for you and for your Family.

    God Bless you and Raise a Banner of Victory and Favour and Healing Rain of Canopy Over You and Your Household in Jesus.

    Chandra Benjamin
    Sydney _ Australia

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